I checked our chat for 24th time in last 4 hours because I might have missed the notification of your reply to a random meme I sent you. I stalked the account of girl who commented single heart emoji and you replied back with 3 heart emojis on your instagram post from 2016 and wondered what it takes to get an heart emoji from you even if its virtually. I scrolled through your facebook timeline of 2014 school farewell pictures with hashtags of friendship and then noticed a girl with whom you had most of your pictures, but was not even in your friend list anymore.  I did not want to know about what happened between you both but something kept me awake that night till 3 am. We were out with friends but then you suddenly start telling about something you had told on October 15th 2019 when we were busy ordering burgers at the café while no one could remember it I along with them acted all cool and asked you to tell all of it again. I remember it was a summer evening on sunday when the sun was almost set and I was in metro going back home. You suddenly appeared from nowhere wearing a black t shirt paired with blue denim jeans and white sneakers with a friend of yours and tapped my shoulder asking me “Hey ! what are you doing here”. I felt numb for a while then told you I was going to get off at next metro station. As I stepped towards the door I could hear your friend asking “who’s she” to which you smiled a little and then replied “my college friend”. I could not help but smile along the way to house. When you told me how the girl you loved left you in the middle I could not help but curse that girl for leaving you because I would never have done that but felt thankful for leaving the space where I wanted to fit in now. I remember I once put up a profile picture wearing a blue dress and you texted me right away saying “ blue suits you”. And with all the modesty I replied back saying thank you with a smiling emoji. But when my mother asked me the reason why my cupboard is filled with blue I had no reason.

I have always lived in my head. And so is my love for you. It only lives in my head.

Just a friend.

14 thoughts on “A letter to my first crush

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