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I know what I don’t want but I don’t know what I want

P.S Sorry if this rant feels like my attack of privilege. I know there are many out there who are going 100 times more than what i am going through. I really wish you have enough strength to deal with all of that.

There are days when i do absolutely nothing and just continue to sleep for more than 12 hours a day. Though i convince myself that I am just enjoying my free time but on many days i do this just to escape from the loop of thoughts that i am gonna spiral myself with if I am awake. I know escaping isn’t gonna help me in long run. But it is helping me now. At least i don’t end up wanting to scream at top of my voice. Not that i don’t have people to vent to. But I know probably everyone is going through something they don’t speak about daily. Sometimes it feels like i am pushing my privilege over someone who is going through a lot more than me.

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I exactly know what i don’t want to achieve and work for in my life. But if you ask me what do i want i still don’t have an answer. I would probably be silent and switch the topic or maybe start looking the other side so you know how much i want to avoid this conversation. And this feeling of not knowing what i want intimidates me of people who know what they want and do exactly the same thing they need to do. It’s just the weird space i fit myself in where i feel better than people who keep doing anything because they are messed up. But then i look at my life choices i understand i am no different than them. I really wish i knew what exactly i want so that i don’t have to wrap myself around thoughts that make me feel less about myself.

I could have ranted all this to someone over whatsapp probably but it made to wordpress because I know i am definitely not the only one. Coping strategies might differ the reason of thoughts might differ but everyone is fighting a battle. I know things will be better. I know i will figure out. I know all of that. I know you too know all of that. So I am not gonna repeat all that. But remember we all are warriors. And warriors might fail sometime but they never give up.

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Little achievements make way for bigger dreams

Contrary to what motivational quotes say ‘Don’t stop working hard even when you are failing’ and what we have been always told . We need little achievements to remind ourselves that we are deserving. And you are not pessimistic for believing in that.

Achievements need not be huge they can be as little as someone randomly telling you they are proud of what you have achieved till now. Or maybe painting a scenery you always wanted to. Or even achieving 1000 followers on instagram page. Or doing that excercise/yoga pose you have been trying to get perfect at without any after pain. Or cooking something you love to devour upon. These achievements most of the times do not have to align with goals or dreams. It’s just that they reassure us “See if you could do this, you will pull yourself out from the dark you are right now”. And sometime that is all we need. Because no matter how much you are dedicated to achieve something or to do something there are moments when everything just feels too much. And you start giving up.

In moments like that make sure you pick up something you had left years back thinking you can’t do and do it. No matter if it’s outdated, not in fashion, or almost everyone has done it so it is no longer so special when you do it. No matter what pick that up and do it. You will feel better. And that’s all you need to feel on many days. Also it’s okay if you didn’t reach goal within the deadline you had set for yourself. Because deadlines are for the society and dreams are for you.

Disclaimer : You and me might not share same views on this because motivation works in different ways for everyone. But I really hope you know that you are worthy of dreaming and never stop working for what you dream. Because you are gonna achieve that one day and make yourself proud.

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This was not a part of my plan but i can always change the plan.

Whatever I am doing right now definitely was never a part of my plan of adulting. One thing i knew in class 6th was to do something in English. Although that something was quite vague because of not having proper knowledge or maybe resources to know what something can be. But by class 9th i knew that something would be me doing my bachelors and masters in English and then at some later point of my life settling down as an English professor. I wanted science so i took science in class 11th. Not knowing how 2 years of coaching would indirectly pressurize me into taking up engineering. The exact first thought i had when filling details for my JEE-MAINS form was ‘Is this what i am going to do now, BTECH not BA English Hons’. And the exact first thought i had while checking JEE-MAINS result was ‘God just make me pass this exam, I can’t waste the money my parents spent on my coaching’. Maybe the god heard me and i cleared the exam. Not that i got into any college with those just passing marks but it was a sign of relief.

Other entrance exams happened and then B.TECH in Electronics happened. I remember everyone telling me to not choose a BA because apparently there is no scope. And i did listen to them and now 4.5 years later I am an engineer. Even, I am working as software engineer now. (P.S We won’t speak about numbers here). And the irony is even today i dream of having a bachelors in English hons before i turn 35.

I don’t regret choosing b.tech because honestly what my college life has taught me I don’t think i would have learnt all of this otherwise. Neither do i regret taking up an IT job. Because the first year graduation sricharita knew one thing that electronics is not her thing and no matter what happens i had made a promise to myself that i would never be an electronic engineer. And i am glad that it worked out in a way that i don’t have to regret.

On some days however i do regret about not doing a proper research and not taking a stand for myself because somewhere in my parallel world i should be doing my masters in english right now. Not everything happened according to my class 6th future plan. But 2 things did happen. One was seeing my parents satisfied and other was me being satisfied. I won’t call my current job as my happy job. Because there is still a long way to go before i find my happy job. *Fingers crossed I really hope that happens* .

One thing i have realized is you can’t fulfill the promises you made to yourself as a child. But that doesn’t mean you have to do something you hate. You don’t have to be hard on yourself just because things didn’t go according to plan. You can always change the plan. And find happiness along that way.

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Overthinking the feelings.

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Thinking of everything
stuck in my head
Like everyday
staring at that cieling
while lying on my bed

I might have changed
how it ended
only if i had not left
all my verses unsaid
and feelings dead

A little more space
or a little more time
and my heart
might fall in place
and wont feel same

Or give it another try
without thinking of why
instead of sitting and waiting
for you to reply
just before i say goodbye

I smash my face
into the pillow
so i can scream your
beautifully worded phrases
that were hollow

And wrap myself in the sheets
to stop thinking about backseat
where we made love
that was incomplete
and memories that felt bittersweet

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A forever that is not romantic.

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The love i read about in books, the love i watched on screens, or the stories of people in love that i read over internet. I have always romanticized forever. And growing up i strongly believed this was the only kind of love that lived forever. But growing up i realised love knows no boundaries, love isn’t always romanticized. And forever are not fantasy stories it’s just about finding one reason to stick to someone. And someone can be anyone. Either your friend or your family member.

So now i promise of forever to my best friends. Friends who know my anti-social phases, friends who listen to my rants and friends who don’t make promises yet stay by my side always. It took me a little time to realize how important it is to cherish friendships, because in the race of finding romance we forget how much our friends do for us. They sure can’t be the reason i get butterflies in stomach while texting someone, or feel that sudden rush of adrenaline when i see a text. But they are the reason i am sane on most of the days even when things feel like falling apart. The only space i don’t have to fear of judgement is the space i share with my friends. The only people who can make me laugh on all days even when miles away.

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Next time when i read of two people buying an house and living a dreamy forever with kids. I would imagine me and my best friend travelling cities finding new furry friends everywhere we go. Next time i watch a happy family movie i would imagine me chilling out with my gang. Next time i see an #relationshipgoals i will tell myself to be the #friendshipgoals so people know how friendship nurtures and helps a person grow. Not that i don’t love romantic happy endings. To be honest i am obsessed with idea of old school love, but i don’t want my goals to be finding someone perfect for me when i already have the perfect memories and moments with the imperfect friends.

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We all need someone by our side

There are days when i hold my pillow tight, tight enough that i could feel its warmth while sleeping. There are days when i cry to myself sitting at corner of the house and wishing no one interrupts my breakdown session. There are days when i rant about my life to my people and cry while texting them. On all the days i feel equally vulnerable and strong.

Your strength isn’t defined by being self reliable all the time. We all know at the end of the day all we have is ourselves for us. And we should make sure we are there for us. But sometimes you need people, people to remind you that you are amazing on the days you feel shitty about yourself, people to remind you that you are betraying yourself and making wrong choices in life, people to validate how you feel, people to tell that there is still hope when you give up on everything and when you wish for people you aren’t calling yourself weak. Being weak and asking for help are not inter-related.

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You ask for help when you fall off from a bicycle sometimes, that doesn’t mean you don’t know how to stand. It’s just that support from someone always makes things better. It makes journey filled with hardships a little easier. And that warmth in their words or actions is all you need on your coldest days. Or maybe just reassurance that things aren’t that bad as they appear to you right now.

Sure, learn how to be emotionally strong and independent. Learn how to be there for yourself. Learn to not to be too hard on yourself. But learn that you can always seek out for help and feel comforted on the days you feel inconvenient. And learn to be that someone for your friends too. Learn to be the stranger who helps. Learn to be the family member who is compassionate. Just as you need someone, someone needs you too.

Next time, someone tells you to keep everything to yourself when you share your feelings. Just remind yourself that you did the right thing by venting your emotions out but maybe the person you chose to vent yourself to wasn’t the right person.

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Love Letters

I am someone who would keep re-reading long texts. Someone who would reply to every paragraph if you send me long texts. Someone who has always secretly loved how old movies showed letters being narrated in sender’s voice. Someone who never admitted but liked writing letter to best friend in writing section of English exams.

In the time when all we do to express love is share posts or exchange expensive gifts. There is no gift I would rather accept in exchange of an handwritten love letter. You may call me old school but a letter where you can’t backspace your spelling and grammatical errors instead have to cut and rewrite. A letter where you don’t use emojis to express yourself still it’s raw, pure and most beautiful expression of love. A letter I would keep safe in my books so that it reminds me of our love, love where I have celebrated most beautiful moments. Because copying quotes and telling me you love me is too boring, i want you to sit and write and imagine all moments of us while you write them sometimes maybe smile a little or sometime tear up a bit, but you live in moments when you write about emotions. So would i live in those moments while imagining about how you wrote this to me. And will feel your words while i read every word of yours. No not only romantic love sweetheart, but i talk about letters of best friend love and parents love too.

Disclaimer : I am not in relationship. This topic isn’t intended to anyone.

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Good things take time

We all have certain ambitions and certain deadlines for ambitions. We run after them work for them and want to achieve them. And not just work ambitions, we have people ambitions too. We all dream of falling in love and building a perfect home. We all plan to do lists with our close friends. We all wish to gift our parents certain something or maybe make them feel proud. All these goals, wishes, dreams and aspirations differ from person to person. But one thing that doesn’t differ is the disappointment when something fails to happen or the sadness when something doesn’t happen according to planned schedules.

Good Things Take Time Calligraphy Print | Etsy

I am not invalidating what you feel, because it’s okay to feel so. But next time someone tells you good things take time. Sit back, relax sip your favorite drink and tell yourself, that it’s okay if something happens late or if something doesn’t happen at all. It’s not your fault neither it’s a fault of time. It’s time you appreciate the existing good things before you dream of achieving other good things

In the race of life where we have defined our existence by what next. We have forgotten how important it is to realize where we are now. Good things happen to every now and then maybe not what you want but it can be what you need. Look after them appreciate them, appreciate yourselves. HONEY, YOU ARE A GOOD THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO UNIVERSE AND UNIVERSE WILL RECIPROCATE THAT TO YOU

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Are you productive enough ?

It has been days in fact months since we have stepped out. Almost everyday we think of moments we enjoyed before virus changed our lives. We all had plans for this year it can wither be academically or on personal front. But for now everything is on hold and the fact that it is on hold has affected us more than we could ever imagine of.

While some of us are learning new recipes, some are learning to paint, some are blogging or vlogging, some are exercising etc etc. If some are learning new skills some are picking up what they had left years ago. But no one is doing everything everyday. It is okay to not do anything but just sleep eat scroll or maybe binge watch and repeat. It’s okay if you feel like not getting out of bed. You are not in a race. You don’t have to run when you barely can’t even walk.

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What is important is how are we keeping ourselves sane when everything around us feels insane. Over the years we have defined being productive as doing something that has an output either immediate or over the time. But our mental health has rarely been talked about that needs regular nourishing too. Productivity definitely helps us make feel better about ourselves. It gives us a sense of achievement. But achievement at the cost of self-bashing is just not worth it.

  • Don’t let someone decide your to-do lists.
  • Include your happiness in your to-do list too.

What productivity is for you needs to be always defined. So tell me in the comments what productivity is for you in comment section !!!

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COMPETITIVE FRIENDSHIP

Friends who are happy when you succeed are rare. It’s a hard pill to swallow but sometimes people envy even their closest friends when they see them achieving higher success.

All this starts when your friend calls you up to tell about either their salary increment or success of entrepreneurial venture. Instead of feeling happy for them or congratulating them you start re-evaluating yourself. What you have done or haven’t done in last few years. What your friend did in last few years. What resources you had or hadn’t or what extra resources they had. You start pushing yourself into an endless spiral of self doubts. While it doesn’t always have to be about job it can be something as trivial as followers / subscribers too, when you start questioning your personality based on some random numbers. Or it can be even about exam results too. When that one friend whom you helped a night before in covering syllabus scores more than you or that one friend who never even scored equal marks suddenly surpasses your GPA one day and instead of being happy that they finally pushed their limits you start bashing yourself.

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It is normal to feel intimidated by someone’s success but you should never allow that control you. You can always avoid it by:

  • Knowing yourself and your goals well. Defining your idea of success. Because everyone’s idea of success is not same.
  • Acknowledging someone’s success as the fruit of their hard work and congratulating them always allows you to be a better person.
  • Success that comes at the cost of true friendship is not worth it. Because at the end of the day we need people with whom we can be our true selves.
  • When things turn the other way around make sure you don’t mark your success as your supremacy statement. There is a chance you can be the toxic friend to someone too.
  • Practice gratitude for what you have. You have something that someone is still dreaming of.

REMEMBER,
Continuous comparisons and jealousy might help us increasing our productivity but that often lasts only for a short while. While healthy competition can always help us put more hard work into what we want to achieve.