First Solo Movie Date

16/07/2022.

Ever since I had an understanding of self love. I made a checklist of things that I want to do alone. Not gonna put out that list here. But would not think twice before blogging the experience.

While in past I had tried to shop alone and went to a salon alone. But i went to a movie alone for the first time ever. And unlike the last two activities where we interact with the people involved in it. In movies we sit silent and just enjoy the movie.

And turns out it isn’t as easy as i thought it would be. The fact that I could hardly spot people who came alone to watch movie, most of them came with either family or friends. I scrolled nervously and endlessly on my phone to avoid any eye contact with people sitting next to me. And I couldn’t stop thinking in the second half of the movie, felt so out of the place and even left the movie hall 10 minutes before the end because suddenly it felt claustrophobic. The empty seats on either sides of my seat just didn’t feel right almost felt like a stupid person for going alone.

But it was only after I walked out of the movie I realised that there were people who came to watch movie alone. But i believe 90% of them were men. The remaining 10% is my benefit of doubt. The very fact that as women we are always used to and taught to enjoy the social events in company of people stuck me hard. I know my first movie solo date experience didn’t work out the way I expected it to be. But now I know this isn’t my last movie date. Will make sure I go on few more until I make peace with the fact that I can be my best company.

TMI but I have never lived alone in my whole life. I have always lived with my parents. So this might sound exaggerated if you have lived alone. Also I haven’t even went on solo trip till date.

Amusement Park 10 years later.

In school, the yearly amusement park trips were a favorite. Honestly everything about it right from going school early to getting into buses then the rides and everyone having lunch together, screaming at the top of voices in adventure rides to going back to school where our parents were waiting for us.

Growing up, i got so busy in adulting that i forgot literally how it feels to be a kid at amusement park. And when i went to an amusement park after 10 years. My heart was so full and happy when i came back home. Hufff ! the dopamine rush was unreal *insert chef’s kiss*

Screamed my heart out on some rides, prayed god when the world turned upside down (not literally), Hurt my ankle on some, and Was dripping wet by the end of the day. But the only emotion that stayed till next day was happiness

I felt like i went back 10 years and gave a tight hug to the kid I was. Honestly atleast till i turn 35 would make sure that amusement parks are on my to-do list every year. If not yearly atleast once in two years. If not amusement parks will make sure to find a way to hug the kid every year. Because the kid deserves to be happy.

I dream future but I appreciate present.

I read this somewhere and it has been stuck with me ever since then “Being happy with what we have doesn’t mean we do not have big dreams.”

Maybe yes, we are so consumed in having to do lists and things to achieve before xyz age lists that we often don’t appreciate where we are now. How easily we forget all the hardwork we had put in to be where we are right now.

And i am no different. I never appreciated my previous job until a 32 year old women asked me “how does it feel to have a job”. She got married when I was teenager and used to work in an mnc before her marriage. At that age I would often say to her that I want to have a job like you, little did i care about how much she earns or what work she does all that mattered to me was she would fulfill her requirements without asking any money. And just like i said I had a job in an mnc which 23/22 year old me didn’t appreciate but 14 year old me looked up to. And ever since then, no matter how the work goes or what happens. I take a moment to remind myself that I have a job I get a salary and i am independent.

And sometimes it isn’t even big things like job or salary, it can be as small as finally learning to cook a meal when you thought you will never even learn how to make a good chai. Or just being good at a software or some creative skill you thought learning was a big deal as a kid. Or even being able to organize a little get together without messing anything or finally being able to play the sport you failed as a kid. Ignoring how far we have come makes the how far we have to go journey even more difficult

I do have dreams ! I do have multiple check off lists. But i definitely haven’t stopped being grateful to what i have. Maybe my priority list doesn’t include me having everything or having the best salary/job in my circle. Maybe it just includes me telling my younger self that don’t worry you are on the right path maybe a little back but you have definitely not lost the track !

It’s too easy to compare with others and self criticise, but the moment we start comparing with ourselves, things change. Perspective changes and everything suddenly works out to be much better than it was.

10 years later.

When I was 15, I looked up to 25-year-olds thinking they have everything in their life figured out. For me at that age 25 seemed so big, because I saw some of my elder cousins married, some making really good money, and some had settled out of India. Everything seemed like a dream, a dream i wanted really badly. Little did I know nearing 25 and even 25 isn’t as beautiful as it looked. It’s just quarter-life crisis. Now that I turned 23 in February. I had nothing but anxiety and fear.

Fear that would I be able to see that beautiful 25, would I be doing things I wanted to when I turn 25, and anxiety that why only I could not figure out adulting. Honestly, after spending around 15 days with nothing but anxiety attacks I figured out that actually, no one has figured it out. Maybe some have ( I really salute you) but mostly have not, everyone is still struggling it’s just that we don’t share often even with the closest ones. Not that they won’t understand but even anxiety is contagious, you start telling what is making you anxious to your friend over 1-hour long phone call and 65 mins later even your best friend is wondering the life decisions and sitting with anxiety.

I hope we start having goals without time based deadlines. While it is really important to achieve goals but not at cost of anything. Because getting an year or 2 year late in achieving the goal doesn’t make it less worthy or doesn’t makes us less deserving of congratulations. And we plan good things often but not the hurdles, they come unplanned in life and sometimes when we least expect them either in the form of personal loss or in form of loosing a bond or just million other things that can go wrong at any given point of time that too without any involvement of ours. And we can’t be harsh of ourselves for the mistakes we didn’t commit. Also the fact that we don’t even have time to celebrate the fact that we achieved one goal because we are too busy laying out the plan how to achieve the other goal.

Now that I am 23 and I have friends who turned 25 i know one thing 25 isn’t a deadline for my to-do list. And neither is 30. Maybe the society and social websites has made it look that way but i hope we all have our own pace and own adjustable deadlines. (Secretly wishing we could tell parents that even marriage has no age deadlines)

Running behind the what if’s

We always have choices before making decisions, we choose one and go forward in the life with that one choice. But often when we turn back to look at the options we missed out the what if’s start haunting us. While it’s easy to say Everything happens for reason it’s tough to find the reason. And when we can’t find reason it breaks us. Because we need reasons to justify choices

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Having 4 placement offers in my hand, i made a choice that my parents wanted me to. Maybe I didn’t regret making that choice at that very moment. But after few months, whenever I looked back, the only emotion I felt for myself was anger. It was not even sadness because I couldn’t find reasons to justify why I chose something I didn’t even want. And why I didn’t fight for what I want. And most importantly how did I let go off opportunity that could have put me in better position than I am in right now. Even now I have only anger and nothing has changed in the last 14 months. While I really hope I find the reason. But now is the time I stop

Maybe just maybe now I feel that instead of finding reasons why this particular choice happened not the other one. We should just accept the fact we did what was momentarily right because of whatever situations we were in, but wasn’t a right decision in long term. And not make the mistake of making that choice again

Maybe home isn’t always people but sometimes place also

My heart – My home

I hope my walls, bed and almirah miss me as much I miss them everyday.

I had often heard people saying home is where you have your people. But it has been 2 months almost since I moved to Hyderabad from Ghaziabad with family. Though it’s still pretty much same, i have my family with me but Hyderabad just doesn’t feel home.

As idiotic it may sound but there have been days when I wake up and just miss my balcony, my bathroom, my almirah. Back in 2012 when we moved to ghaziabad from Noida. The kid in me experienced teenage and stepped into adulthood in that very same home. Though I knew very well i am gonna miss delhi ncr. But I thought it was because of friends and food. And I do miss both terribly but it’s the walls of my home that I miss the most. The fact that I won’t be able to feel these things anytime soon sometimes give me anxiety. When we moved out from Noida i never missed noida, maybe because it was never one single home, being the tenants we were hopping homes every few years. But this time it was 9 years in the same place. And 1 year of watching home building. I really have so much respect for people who move out of the place they spent most of their life in. I mean you are superheroes to me.

Maybe once we build too much memories in a place it’s just hard to let it go. Definitely with time I will move places even build new home. But i hope I never forget these walls. Even when that home doesn’t belong to us.

Emotions that aren’t poetic enough

I read all the poems that describe how beautiful romance is, how painful heartbreaks are, how happy happiness is, and how scary anxiety is. The poems that sometimes describe a part of me, poems that feel as if i wrote them, poems that feel home to the emotions i don’t speak about often.

But there are days that my anxiety doesn’t look like how poet said it should, my happiness isn’t contagious the way poem says it should be, my idea of romance doesn’t fit into the rhyming scheme and my sadness doesn’t cry like the symphonies of poem. All my emotions choose is nothingness, a feeling we don’t talk about. Maybe because it isn’t as poetic as all the verses we read. Maybe because it doesn’t paint a picture in mind. All it does is validate how i feel. Maybe its not the words its the blank spaces I fit in more on some days. Maybe silence is more powerful than sentences. Maybe I need to exhale everything out for once because I have bottled up too much now.

I go back to my poems. The poems I wrote and someone told me they could relate too. I go back to my quotes. Quotes I wrote when I was on verge of breaking down because paper is everyone’s best friend at some point of time. I go back to short stories. Short stories I wrote when my friend chose to confide in. Maybe I gave words to the emotions they wanted to scream but couldn’t. But now they can share and sound aesthetic enough on their stories. While I go back to all of them, I find one thing in common. It’s how on some days they don’t make sense at all even after being same words. And some days I say hella relatable.

So for now, I sit in the corner and tell myself to stop finding words quotes and phrases for all your feelings just so that I can share it with world while not actually sharing.

Holding hands

Even when the world seems collapsing, if the right person holds your hand tight you are ready to watch yourself fall and yet not stop believing in yourselves.  We have grown up reading actions speak louder than words. Maybe that’s why when someone holds your hand and doesn’t even utter a word. Still you feel the strength and love.

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The strength you need to stand up and love you need to reassure you of your self worth. You hold back million tears and thousand curses when your hand is held tight. Because you realise what you have right now is already a blessing and you need to stop rushing and crying for what you can’t chase. Even in a crowd of strangers you hold your closed one’s hand tight to feel safe. Not that you aren’t strong enough. But it’s the reassurance that holding hands brings. Reassurance that even if you stumble in a crowd of strangers there is someone who will make sure you don’t fall.
If someone holds your hand it should instill courage, safety and comfort not the fear of holding back yourself.

Holding on to leap of faith

My relationship with God has changed a lot in previous one year. Being someone who only cared to pray when things were terribly falling apart. Now I pray for 5 mins daily because it is the only way I tell the universe how truly grateful I am and remind myself how blessed I am.

No it doesn’t mean that I perform all the rituals for god. Tbh I don’t even know all of them and I don’t even make attempts to learn all the prayers.Neither it means that I am happy all day or I have achieved everything I wanted to. There is still a lot to be done in life. Infact only I know on most of the days what a mess life feels like. But ever since this pandemic began I have realised how important it is to be thankful for the simplest of things like roof over head, running water and gas at home, parents who don’t torture, friends who understand and being able to wake up, walk and breathe properly daily.

I am not completely selfless now there are still days when I have my own demands that I pray god for. But now I make sure to say him thank you and ask him to answer all the prayers that he heard today. Because I know everyone is praying for something or someone in these times and they need to be heard and answered.

I know what I don’t want but I don’t know what I want

P.S Sorry if this rant feels like my attack of privilege. I know there are many out there who are going 100 times more than what i am going through. I really wish you have enough strength to deal with all of that.

There are days when i do absolutely nothing and just continue to sleep for more than 12 hours a day. Though i convince myself that I am just enjoying my free time but on many days i do this just to escape from the loop of thoughts that i am gonna spiral myself with if I am awake. I know escaping isn’t gonna help me in long run. But it is helping me now. At least i don’t end up wanting to scream at top of my voice. Not that i don’t have people to vent to. But I know probably everyone is going through something they don’t speak about daily. Sometimes it feels like i am pushing my privilege over someone who is going through a lot more than me.

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I exactly know what i don’t want to achieve and work for in my life. But if you ask me what do i want i still don’t have an answer. I would probably be silent and switch the topic or maybe start looking the other side so you know how much i want to avoid this conversation. And this feeling of not knowing what i want intimidates me of people who know what they want and do exactly the same thing they need to do. It’s just the weird space i fit myself in where i feel better than people who keep doing anything because they are messed up. But then i look at my life choices i understand i am no different than them. I really wish i knew what exactly i want so that i don’t have to wrap myself around thoughts that make me feel less about myself.

I could have ranted all this to someone over whatsapp probably but it made to wordpress because I know i am definitely not the only one. Coping strategies might differ the reason of thoughts might differ but everyone is fighting a battle. I know things will be better. I know i will figure out. I know all of that. I know you too know all of that. So I am not gonna repeat all that. But remember we all are warriors. And warriors might fail sometime but they never give up.